A talk with "2017 Me".

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:4-5 NLT

Do you ever wish you can go back and speak to your former self?

This morning, I woke up and found myself staring at my lock screen. It's a picture from my husband and I's wedding of me him. As I stared, I thought to myself: If only 2017 Aesha knew this...

I know you're probably thinking, why so specific?

2017 is the most pivotal year of my life so far. It's filled with both some of my most challenging and most triumphant moments.

I graduated from college in December 2014. January 2015, I started my first full-time job as a sales agent at a call center. While the job perks itself were great, the job itself was stressful - at least for a personality like me. It was a normal day to take 25 calls and get fussed at on 10-15 of them! Not to mention, my entire livelihood depended upon each sale that I got.

On top of that, socially, I was pretty lonely. I had this beautiful, spacious one-bedroom apartment (that I loved), but hardly any of my friends came to visit. The few friends I did have that is...

On April 21, 2016 - I'll never forget the date - I woke up and felt a strong tug on my spirit. This was the day. This was the day that I needed to take a leap of faith...and leave my job. After praying and pacing for hours, I felt that this was truly the right thing to do. What God wanted me to do. As crazy as it seemed to do something like this with no backup plan, I felt God's assurance - He had me.

So, I did it.

I quit my job with enough savings in my account to pay for the rest of my lease. One catch, I didn't find a job to replace the one I had - mainly, due to complacency, if I'm being honest. With my money running low and no other option, I moved back home with my mom and baby sis in Greensboro.

When I returned home, I felt some sense of relief: I was back with my family and friends. I was able to be there with my baby sis, Alana. I was back home.

At the same time, it felt like my life had gone backwards. Here I was, a college graduate who'd had "it all" - a decent paying job and a beautiful apartment - to now being back home with no money or job.

Still, I was grateful that my mom allowed me to move back and I was intent on finding a job to get back on my feet.

During this time, I spent many days at the library applying for jobs and received no responses. After months of unemployment, family and friends constantly let me know that I needed to get a job.

I felt caught between what I knew was practical and expected - that I should take any job because I needed the money...and what I believed deep down in my soul - that there was more out there for me.

I just didn't know where that more would come from.

Between all of the unknowns, the pressure from family and friends, and feeling like I'd failed and disappointed others and myself, I found myself deep in anxiety and depression.

I found it hard to find enjoyment in things that I once loved.

I no longer cared about my appearance - didn't really do my hair and wore sweats and baggy t-shirts.

I found it hard to motivate myself.

I found myself consumed with thoughts of death - I felt scared to do anything or be anywhere alone.

My chest felt weighed down and heavy, as my breathing was shallow.

I even experienced a couple of panic attacks, during this time.

Here's the best way that I can describe to you how I felt: it was like I was deep down in a pit in the ground. Of course, I didn't want to feel this way, so I jumped and jumped and jumped to try to shake what I was feeling. As much as I tried, nothing seemed to work.

During this time, I spent many days just lying on the couch at my Grandma's apartment. I didn't feel like I could do much else. Also, I felt safe because my Grandma was retired and there most of the time.

My Grandma has endured her own struggles with mental health, so she truly understood how I felt. She was truly an angel to me during that time in my life. One day, my grandmother took me to the track at Bennett College to walk around. She'd brought along a handmade display that had the Psalms 23 on it and she asked me to read it with her as we walked around the field.

She also gave me a book called "Bible Prayers For All Your Needs". In the midst of her own mental health struggles, she'd been gifted this book by a lady that she rode the bus with. During her time in a mental health hospital, she let me know that she would often pray the prayers from the book. It had really helped her during that time in her life.

It was great because it's labeled by whatever you're feeling or whatever your needs are that you have (e.g. "When you need greater peace" "When you're feeling anxious"). It also points you to scriptures and God's promises in the Bible that refer to your need.

I began to carry that book around with me wherever I went. It became my line of defense. Whatever need I had, I went right to the prayers. Not only that, it lead me to earnestly and consistently seek a closer relationship with God, the One who'd spoken all of the promises that I read in the book.

I found myself praying more. Reading the Bible daily - even slept with the Bible beside me! The more I got to know Him and acknowledge His presence, the more peace that I began to feel. When I felt anxiety and tried to regain control on my own, I was able to look to the One who truly was in control of my life.

Jesus not only delivered me from the anxiety/depression that I felt debilitated by, but He was literally with me in it. Day to day. Minute by minute. Second by second.

In moments when I felt like I couldn't move forward, I learned to trust Him.

In moments when I felt scared, I trusted Him to give me courage.

In moments when I felt like all was over, I felt Him tell me to trust His plans.

Slowly but surely, in 2017, I was lifted out of that hole. Not by anything I could've did. Not by any medicine that I took. God truly did it! After about a year, of conquering anxiety/depression, God showed me that He had so much planned for me on the other side of all of the hopelessness helplessness that I felt. So much more than I could've ever imagined.

There's so much that I now know that I wish I could go back and speak to my 2017 self. Things like:

Remember how you felt that you'd made the wrong decision to move the Greensboro? You didn't. God made so many good things happen for you off that one bit of obedience.

Remember how you felt that there was more for you than the job than the sales job you worked at? There was. Sooo much more! You have a job with an incredible mission and purpose and, most importantly, you love it! God custom-made a job just for you!

You know how you anxious you feel about getting on the highway? God is going to deliver you from that anxiety. He has so many places for you to go to for work and adventure!

Remember how that weight kept packing on? With discipline from you and God doing the rest, you lost that weight boo! Almost got to high school size!

Remember how you thought your whispered prayers for a man were unheard? Turns out, God's got a husband  for you. As a matter of fact, as you weep now, you've already met him!

Remember how you'd felt forgotten by God? Baby, please! Sit back and watch and you'll begin to amazed to see just how highly He thinks of you.

I was completely heartbroken when B2K broke up when I was 11 years old. Who knew that at 27 years old they would reunite...and I would get to meet them!

Remember how you felt God assuring me that He had you? He did...and then some!!

I write this to encourage you: no matter what place you're in - financially, physically, mentally, spiritually - you are never too far from God's love. There's so much better for you on the other side of what you're going through. Trust Him and seek Him. If you need a witness, I'm definitely one!

*Wipes tears from typing this post*

God is so good!!!